The town of Seebird Manor, Florida can rest easy tonight knowing their young, white citizens are safe at home reading Flaubert, and preparing for “Isn’t It Great We’re White Night” at the local Y. According to the 2012 census, Seebird Manor has appropriately 15,000 occupants; 14,500 are white, and the other 500 are not allowed to vote. You may recognize this quaint, racist town from the 1999 controversial case Seebird Manor vs. the Jews, a ravaging case of heroism, piety, and sovereignty, which successfully implemented the Bible as mandatory reading for all AP science courses (and also banning Woody Allen movies and Philip Roth novels from all local libraries and households).
Still, the news that’s rifling through this fanatically Christian town is the announcement of little Robert “Schoolhouse Rock” Roberts. Robert Roberts, known for his quick wit, ferocious appetite, and unrivaled Anti-Semitism, returned from the local convenience store unscathed last night. Roberts rounded Delancey Avenue and saw a black Hearst in his driveway, a gaggle of flowers on his lawn, and a giant cutout of his body against the driveway with accompanying candles and flowers surrounding it. The town congregated inside the pale house, singing hymns and doing other stereotypical Christian traditions. Roberts’ mother, Dorothy Roberts, nearly fainted when she saw her son. Dorothy Roberts and her family were under the assumption that little Robert was going to be fatally shot by neighborhood watchdog Allan Dickinson that night.
“Robert had baseball practice with the rest of the Cherokee Indians last night, and when he was walking home with John Smith and Matt Green, he kind of ran off and said he was going to pick up a pack of Skittles. John and Matt thought about this and realized, ‘Robert’s about to get shot.’ So they ran over, told me the news, how he’s planning on buying Skittles and everything, wearing a sweatshirt, and I called my sister that second and said, ‘Get over, Robert’s been shot,” said Dorothy.
Famed casual racist, John Roberts entered from the living room with a fresh Bud Light, joking with friends over the game. He asked for Robert to stand by him, at which point Robert ran up and took his position. What came next was really a spectacle.
“Let me start by saying, isn’t being white awesome? I was sure little Robert here was a goner when I heard he was wearing a sweatshirt, but then I realized: he’s white! Ain’t no one going to stop him! If anything the weird Arab that works at that 7-11 will give him them Skittles for free, and then shine his shoes! The problem with this here country is the fact that more people aren’t white, I think. Because if everyone was white we wouldn’t have all these murders and watch-guys shooting black kids, cause they wouldn’t be black, they’d be white, and by that logic they’d be safe.” Jason Roberts did not finish middle school.
There have been multiple pleas over the years to nuke Seebird Manor and eliminate them from our social climate, but unfortunately they’ve been revoked after the non-racists realized that 95% of the country is like Seebird Manor.