Esther Horovitz, grandmother to six, mother to three, and complainer to thousands, was found dead in her brownstone apartment Thursday morning. The smell of pickled herring and deteriorating yarn alerted neighbors, as Esther was never one to leave yarn hanging around, unless on high holidays. According to authorities infomercials played on the television as they entered, while an acapella version of The Old Testament blasted through her stereo.
Although Esther was eighty-two, Chief Brigham Lane doesn’t think this is a case of old-age. “We have the facts. She was in great health. Just last week she slept with a twenty year old. She was only on seven different types of medication; that’s a record for walking zombies, which is what I call people over fifty. We have a few leads, but we can’t give anything away at this point.” One of those leads is Snatch Harris, a deaf choirboy, who lives near Horovitz. We asked Snatch a few questions, but unfortunately he couldn’t hear us.
Horovitz was discovered with a tray of cookies on her lap, and a set of Dickens’ Great Expectations in her pockets. The two aren’t connected as of yet, but the NYPD thinks it could be an Argentinian terrorist attack. The lead suspect in the case is Grammy Friedkin, Horovitz’s ex-mahjong partner. Friedkin, a known swindler, and extremely unfavorable of Russians, first partnered up with Horovitz as a joke. It wasn’t a great joke by any accounts, but it worked for a few laughs in Friedkin’s Holocaust-survivors class.
Horovitz and Friedkin were mahjong partners for the better part of a decade, the lesser part chose not to comment. They met in a ballroom dancing for women without rhythm class; they were both notoriously awful. Svetlana Richter, a fellow arrhythmic dancer, had this to say, “Those two were inseparable. It was the only dance move they knew. Clinging on to one another, and not letting go. I’m not surprised ole’ Grammy gave it to Esther; she was always jealous of Esther’s replacement hip. Grammy didn’t come from money, and when her hip went out they gave her a zebra’s; stripes and all. Well, she grew like seven inches that summer, and the rest is history.”
The two grandmas had a schism two weeks ago over who could whistle the loudest in German; Horovitz won. Grammy Friedkin, furious over losing a whistling contest to a Russian (the lowest form of disrespect), bombarded Horovitz with crude voicemail messages, undercooked muffins, and finally dressed up as a Jehovah’s Witness in an attempt to embarrass Horovitz into buying stock in the religion. Reports aren’t clear as to how Friedkin could have broken into Horovitz’s apartment, but police think it could have been a slumber party gone awry. They have no real reason to think that, but it’s what makes the most sense as of right now, according to President Obama.
Grammy Friedkin has been put into custody with a bail of $10,000 and an order of Wendy’s French Fries, specifically from the Wendy’s in Flatbush. She’s been denied privileges to play mahjong with her cellmates, and has already spent time in solitary for gambling without a liquor license. “I didn’t do nothing. That Russo freak was a cheating, son-of-a-bitch. It’s good she got the ax. I’ll die in here a better person knowing scum like that don’t roam the Earth no more,” an incredibly unpleasant Friedkin told us this morning.
If you want to pay respects to Esther Horovitz and the Horovitz family, you can attend Schul (Jewish word for Temple, and also the Jewish word for oxen) down in Park Slope, Brooklyn, at the B’Nei Brothers Emporium. If you choose to go, please bring a paddle-ball set, or an ounce of cream cheese as a token of respect for the Horovitz’s.