Federal and State officials were confused early Wednesday morning when The Church Of Latter Day Saints announced that they would be launching a crusade to retake Jackson County, Missouri, where Mormons settled briefly from 1831 to 1833, but is neither where the religion was founded nor appears in any holy text. When asked why Jackson County, Missouri, the Mormon spokesman replied, “our only choices, really, were Missouri, Ohio, Upstate New York or Nauvoo, Illinois. It’s the lesser of four evils.”
“Look, we’ve realized recently that no one takes us that seriously,” the Mormon spokesman continued. “And we’ve been brainstorming on how to get recognized as an actual religion. One way is to get a President: Catholics have Kennedy, Quakers have Nixon, Muslims have Obama. We tried to get Romney elected, but that didn’t work; so we realized that the best way was to launch a holy war.”
I asked for specifics about what their holy war actually entails, but the spokesman was elusive. “Are you going to secede from the Union?” I asked.
“No, Jackson County is still going to be a part of the United States and still a part of Missouri.”
“Are you going to be armed?”
“Yes… but we’re usually armed.”
“Are you going to kick out native Jackson Countians? County-ites? County…”
“We would never dream of it.”
After a series of further questions, it appears that the Crusade is nothing more than a large group of Mormons moving from Utah to Jackson County, Missouri. When I asked if that was a fair assessment, he replied, “look, we’re a serious religion. We’re not Scientology.”
The mayor of Independence, Missouri was ecstatic when he learned of the planned Crusade.
“To be honest, it’s been difficult getting people to come to Independence, Missouri: there’s no real selling point for us, and people have been moving out en masse. This is going to be a huge boost for us. We’re hoping we can convince the whole state of Utah to move here, but obviously some are going to go to Kansas City. And hey, if I have to wear magic underwear to get other Missouri mayors to stop laughing at me whenever I walk into a room, I’ll do it.”
Mormons in Utah, however, were less enthusiastic about the move.
John Wood, a Mormon carpenter (who, to answer your question, did choose his profession because of his last name) remarked, “we honestly don’t understand why they can’t just choose a spot where we have to move to and just let us be. First it was Ohio, then Missouri then Illinois, then Utah now Missouri again. I never really wanted to live in Utah, I fucking hate it here. I much prefer Quebec. I think we’d be better suited for Canada. We’re pleasant, quirky, really, really white. Neither of us have much rhythm.”